Rules in a BDSM relationship have a pretty standard, “to each their own”, approach. In my first couple of relationships, I was the submissive partner. Between us, my Dom’s sucked…. As in they didn’t know what they were doing.
Doms would make “rules” but they only applied when they were in benefit. I was put in situations that were only briefly discussed moments before. Nah, that just isn’t it for me. I wanted structure, consistency, demands, commands, punishments, and rewards. And I got it!
Both the sub and the dom will have rules in place for themselves and for their partner. Some BDSM relationships have a switch partner who can play by the rules of both a dom and a sub. While it is the dom’s responsibility to keep their sub safe, encourage their personal growth, and teach their sub how to arouse them.
While discussing the expectations and rules, keep in mind that these rules should be followed consistently and obeyed at all times.
Rules can be set by a contract, but it is suggested to start with rules that can be easily adjusted at first. Setting more extreme rules, in the beginning, might cause a short-lived relationship and leave one of you with trauma. Nobody wants that. As a dom, if there is a barrier in the rules that you both can’t agree on, please, for the love of the kink lords, do not force it! With your dominant demeanor, your sub can be persuaded and agree to a rule that they don’t feel comfortable doing but want to keep their role as your slave.
The sub gets pleasure and satisfaction, even arousal from obeying commands you give to them. For me, I like guidance. If I am left with the freedom to make any decisions in a relationship when I am the sub… things won’t be structured.
The rules for your sub can be solely based on making your life as the dom easier and more satisfying. If this isn’t your very first dom/dub relationship, you may want to incorporate the rules you learned and enjoyed.
I feel like one of the biggest benefits of having rules for my sub is how much it amplifies our connection with each other. Being able to have expectations for your sub and relying on their obedience brings an extensive amount of trust into the relationship. Mental health is a huge part of my life and many of those who are in dom/sub relationships. When the sub allows the sub to take complete control of their body, there is a sense of calmness, care, and nurture.
I would put money on the fact that every BDSM couple has a completely different set of rules. Even for me as 1 person, I have separate rules for each role and relationship. To make the transition into living with rules, have a few training sessions first. An equally important part of setting rules for your sub is the consequences if they are not obeyed. I mean, don’t set a punishment so extreme that they are going to be terrified to follow any rule. As I suggested, write down these sets of rules, with each rule starting with “As your sub, I will…” (or whichever name is decided)
The most common set of rules given to subs is centered around obedience and respect. Some dominant partners just want to be validated and reminded that their submissive partner has their best interest. Try these rules to start:
For me, house rules can be very creative but also can become very mundane and repetitive chores. When setting house rules for your sub, open your mind to more than just chores. Adding rules that assist you and are helpful can make rewarding your sub an exciting task for both of you. Try these rules to start:
This is another one of those “to each their own” set of rules. It has blown my mind over the years to see how many people I interact with all day, that later I find out are part of the BDSM community. For a good majority of us, this is our sex life, and details are not meant to share with just anyone. People you work with, friends, and neighbors, could live this lifestyle, but don’t display it for confidentiality matters. Even smaller rules apply when mingling with friends. While out in public, it can be challenging to switch on and off your usual rules. Try these rules to start:
Just be aware that having the dom role doesn’t mean that every rule is based on your pleasure alone.
As I mentioned before, the rules that you set for your sub are not set in stone unless under a written and signed contract. On the other hand, having a written copy (I use a note app on my phone) of every rule to make sure they are easy to recall.
There is no exact starting point for your sub’s rules to start. It’s a good idea to start as early in the relationship and once the rules are discussed. As you openly place rules for your sub, you have to be willing to accept rules that your sub has for you. Your sole purpose in giving your sub a set of rules isn’t to have them revolve their whole life and every waking moment of their day catering to you.
If you are starting a set of rules for a new sub, keep it an open book so they can edit the rules with you to satisfy their role as your sub. Your task as a dom is to introduce your sub to each rule carefully and respectfully. You will be surprised how willing your sub is to please you when you give them structure in a bonding way. It’s fun and a way to switch things up if you set rules for your sub that if they break it, there is a satisfying punishment, i.e. spanking, orgasm denial, no underwear, and so on.
Now you have a good idea of rules you can put in place for your sub. More importantly, a sub is under their doms control. This control should include tasks and rules that pleasure both partners. A dom partner should also enforce rules for self-care and self-growth on their sub. At the end of the day, all actions should be arousing and a pleasure to perform. So, go make your list of rules and be sure to check it twice.
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