Rules in a BDSM relationship have a pretty standard, “to each their own”, approach. We all know that straight, vanilla couples are all about this equality stuff. I love that for them, but it is deemed quite unnecessary in a d/s relationship.
You may wonder, how to be a dom for beginners? What are the rules for doms?
There are expectations for the dominant role in the BDSM lifestyle, it is not just the submissive that needs to obey every rule. A dom should vow to give structure, consistency, demands, commands, punishments, and rewards with respect and all while wanting the best for their sub.
What Is A Dom?
Dom is a shortened name for the dominant role (or dominatrix) in a BDSM relationship. To put it simply, a dom is one who is in control and has their power respected by their submissive partner. Rules are commonly only applied for activities during play, but many dom sub relationships take their rule list seriously in their everyday life. Not just anyone can claim themselves as a dom.
There are a lot of emotions and understanding the dom needs to be responsible for. When a dom is given a set of rules to follow, it is just as serious as the rules set for the sub. Different types of doms usually have different approaches to each rule that is placed. *Not all BDSM relationships involve sexual play.
What Are The Types Of Doms?
The master dom is paired with a slave sub. Their slave is their property on and off scene. Power and authority are put completely in the hands of the master dom. Since the master/slave BDSM lifestyle is commonly a full-time relationship, there are no timeouts. What a master is not: abusive, uncomfortably over-powering, or misogynistic.
A nurturing role in the DDLG (Daddy Dom Little Girl) relationships. Daddy doms are considered more of a caretaker to their sub and provide emotional, mental, physical, and financial support. I can’t speak for everyone but for me, a daddy dom is what defines a gentleman. Protecting me from harm, encouraging me to complete daily tasks, teaching me new skills, and focusing on my desires.
A little more on the extreme end of the dom sub relationship spectrum. A sadist dom is paired with a masochist, or “pain-slut”. A very demanding, prompt, and aggressive personality with very strict rules in place. A sadist dom arouses their pain-slut by inflicting pain, humiliation, and punishment Might just be my own personal opinion but I definitely feel like tickle torture falls in this category of dom type.
How To Be A Good Dom
Empathy and Compassion
No matter the dom type, trust is earned and must be seriously obtained. Both of you have the end goal to share complete fulfillment. It can be more difficult in a master dom role to maintain a caring mentality. I won’t hesitate during play to grab my sub’s face and spit in their mouth. But to just randomly choose to do that when it isn’t an appropriate situation… Ew.
Responsibility and Respect
An absolute requirement in any relationship. Doms want to help their sub partner grow and flourish. The rules a dom is made to follow should make them weak in the knees as well. I find my role as a sub so rewarding when I know my dom values the rules that are put in place for them.
This one seems like a no-brainer, but let’s just double-check to make sure you have got all of the basics down. Communication in a dom sub relationship starts with the discussion you have with yourself. You need to be clear on what exactly it is that you want during ds play. Know your limits, what really turns you on while both giving and receiving, and what things you are absolutely not willing to consider. Once you have established communication with yourself, you can lay your expectations down on the table and negotiate to your liking.
Examples Of Good Rules For A Dom
The list of rules for a dom should include the kinks, commands, and demands they have for their sub to obey. Some rules can pertain to the reward given to the sub. I am a huge fan of making my dom balance my punishments and rewards. My mommy dom calls me a “bad girl” as I purposely disobey, just to hear “good girl” when I do obey. A piece of advice for you, write down and record the doms sets of rules, with each rule starting with “As your dom, I will…” (or whichever name is decided)
- As your dom, I will only perform what you consent to me
- As your dom, I will not scold you for making mistakes.
- As your dom, I will only punish you for disobedience
- As your dom, I will continue to learn about your body and what pleases you
- As your dom, I will reward you by calling you a “good girl/boy” (or insert chosen names)
- As your dom, I will respect your limits and check in with you in situations to be discussed
- As your dom, I will always exude strong confidence
- As your dom, I will properly train you for every new experience
- As your dom, I will provide your daily attire and what you will eat
- As your dom, I will be the only one to wash your hair
Common Mistakes To Avoid
For some of you, this is still a learning period, there will be mistakes and boundaries tested. Your kink list will not match any partner exactly. Welcome these mistakes or failed rules as a chance to keep trust and communication consistent between both the dom and sub. Being a dom in the bedroom or in a relationship doesn’t mean the rules apply to everyone they encounter on a daily basis. Don’t overload yourself or sub by incorporating too many rules all at once during play.
Having rules and boundaries in place is crucial to a successful BDSM relationship between a dom and a sub. As much as rules are enforced on the sub, the dom has equally important duties to uphold. When rules are correctly stated it will create a deep want for more detailed rules.